Breaking the apology habit
I was in a meeting yesterday with about 7 other people. I was not the facilitator or the person organising it. But within a pretty short time, I was super confused, and I could see that others around me were too.
Once upon a time, I would have shrunk back into my seat, and deep into overthinking. I would have crafted a really comprehensive story about how my lack of understanding was a direct result of my incompetence. Regardless of whether others were confused or not. I should have read more, prepared more, paid more attention to something… or just plain been ‘better’. This is how the patriarchal systems of the world of work influence us. It leads women to believe that we are less. That we are the problem, regardless of our experience or intelligence.
Over the years I have managed to move past the ‘I’m too dumb to understand’ shite that I used to tell myself. These days I talk up. I challenge people. I ask questions until I get to the point that I understand.
A significant part of this change was about reframing where I sit in the value exchange. When I was sitting in my self-doubt I was focused solely on me, on my lack, I was making the situation all about me.
But I know I am better when I consider myself as part of the collective*. When I took the perspective of “If I can’t understand this then others may not” or “If I can’t understand this then I am not going to be able to contribute to the outcome in the best way I can” things changed. I was able to speak up. Ask questions. And it was welcomed by my peers and the outcomes were indeed, better.
These days however I find myself facing a secondary challenge (this is something that can be the result of peeling away the layers of old patterning and operating in big systems and cultures). While I now talk in meetings, I am still struggling with the intense desire to minimise my language. Anyone who has sat in on a meeting with me, or had a conversation of any length with me, will have inevitably heard me say “Does that make sense?”
Fifty times in one conversation.
We have learned as women that we need to speak up. However, when we do, we apologise. We want to soften the impact of our opinions. We seek to clarify, reassure or ensure we are still being respectful. We have the desire to make sure we are still being ‘liked’ even though we feel like we are being confrontational.
So back to yesterday’s meeting and me repeatedly apologising for having opinions, to 7 other WOMEN. No one thought I was being confrontational. I wasn’t. No one thought I was ‘full of myself’ for sharing an idea. Instead, we made good progress on challenging topics because we all came to a shared understanding of the work.
So I want this to be a reminder to you of a couple of things:
Just because you don’t understand something that’s happening in a meeting does NOT make you dumb.
As a general rule, talking up is NOT a career-limiting move. Sometimes it’s the opposite.
Unless you are actually being rude, condescending or belittling, you don’t need to worry that you are coming across that way.
Stop apologising for doing your job.
What are your experiences? Have you found something like this happening in your work?
*This is about accepting the feminine energy in me and learning to work with it. It is NOT about putting others first. This alone is a big conversation and not what I am talking about… today.
